Q. I recently found out that my husband has been in contact with an ex-girlfriend through Facebook. He admits to talking to her but says it’s no big deal. From what I can tell, she’s recently divorced and moved back to town. What makes me wonder is the reason she and my husband broke up is she had actually cheated on him. So even though I think I trust him, I definitely don’t trust her. He has seemed distracted lately but it could just be work related. Should I be worried?
A. It’s not unusual for an ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend) to resurface, especially now due to social networking websites like Classmates and Facebook. So what you first need to do is determine if this just healthy jealousy/worry or if there is actually a reason for concern. First, put yourself in his shoes – it’s likely he felt a brief moment of familiarity and even a flicker of “remember when” but don’t forget — the ex girlfriend is an ex for a reason. People from the past come and go but they rarely stay. Think about it…if you’ve ever been to a high school reunion, everyone exchanges contact info, promises to keep in touch forever, and it rarely happens. The next time you see those people? At the next reunion. So realize that the rush of sentimentality will fizzle quickly. More typically from a male point of view, because they’re just not that emotionally nostalgic.
On the other hand, if there is a potential for infidelity, an “ex” is an easy target. There’s already a history there, perhaps the families know each other, there are mutual friends past or present, it’s definitely considered comfortable. Especially if both are married or involved — there is less worry of the other person exposing the affair. Also cheating is, believe it or not, a stressful experience for the cheater – the risks involved in constantly hiding and covering tracks, the juggling of two separate lives, as well as the mental and emotional effects — so removing the uncertainty surrounding the other person makes the “ex” a less stressful bet. Also, sometimes a cheating husband or a cheating wife will somehow justify the dalliance with the ex (in their own mind or to others) as an “ooops, it just happened”. Cheating with a new person somehow seems more premeditated than hooking up with an ex.
And, unfortunately, it is possible for the ex-girlfriend to feel more connection and sentimentality to their past together, especially if she’s recently divorced and undergoing other major changes like a move. Even though you trust your husband, it’s wise on your behalf to at least keep your eyes open.
So…how can you tell if your husband is cheating with his ex girlfriend?
Observe his behavior. Watch for things out of the ordinary. Get to know the classic signs of a cheating husband and see if he displays any them. Also, pay close attention to how he acts around the computer since Facebook is where they first connected. Does he seem to be online more than usual? Is he being secretive about what he’s doing or only checking email and doing “normal” pc activity when you’re not around? Also, if suddenly their open, casual-style Facebook interaction has stopped cold turkey, it may be a sign they are communicating elsewhere. Also, pay attention to his cell phone behavior. Has he stopped leaving it lying around in plain sight? Is he getting more “work” related texts, emails or calls? Do you find his call or text logs are conveniently deleted for no reason? Is he just possessive about his cell phone in general? You know what’s considered normal for him –just keep an eye out for anything unusual or out of the ordinary.
Signs He Is Cheating – watch your spouse for these classic signs of an affair
Computer Monitoring Software – see everything he’s doing online with computer spy software
Cell Phone Spyware –mobile phone spy software shows his cell phone activity